Love and Marriage 5

Well, Dave came home. As I said I was not super fond of him at this time. One thing I had learned from all of this is that Love is a choice. It is not something that just happens to us. There is the initial attraction and passion, but for long term it must be a choice. We had both chosen to stop loving the other, to stop putting the others needs before ours. Instead of listening for God's still small voice I had been proclaiming loudly for two years, once you divorce me, it's over. After the divorce, I made the choice not to love him anymore. So now I had to make the choice to love again. It wasn't all that difficult to start feeling after I had starting acting on it. Sometimes our actions need to precede the feelings. Sometimes we wait around for those feeling to come, I believe acting them out brings them to us faster. God is faithful, I prayed that the love would come, that I would not fight it, and it did. We began planning our wedding and discussing our future. I was confident that divorce would never be an option again, but that takes faith too. I can't make Dave's decisions for him, but I believed his renewed commitment was more than a passing feeling, that he too had chosen to love me, forever.

the newly reunited family

Dad walking me down, with sister Stephanie watching

You may kiss the big tall bride! Mom wiping a tear. I love this pic of the boys. Shows their personalities perfectly.

All the fam with some close friends.

My sister Stephanie, my cousin Angie, GG, Me, Mom, sister Kristi, cousin Mariah.
We were told to be goofy, not everyone complied.....

Click on the pics to enlarge!

Love and Marriage 4

I hated him. Over the last three plus years I had felt many different things towards him but this was a first. Hate. A strong word. I had felt shock, sadness, betrayal but this was a whole other level of emotion. I had given him, our family another chance, fully believing I was doing the "right" thing. I was crushed. Also, I had now put my fiancé on the roller coaster ride. He was right there to comfort me and I accepted it. Our relationship continued.
I apologize but my memory of the exact timeline is pretty fuzzy. I am thinking the above mentioned incident happened late fall of 1992. I think around early 1993 Dave came back, saying he had made a terrible mistake, twice. The Lord had surrounded him with some pretty dedicated Christians. He had become very involved in a local church and I believe the Holy Spirit was convicting him. He said that he belonged with his family, would I give him one more chance?

OK. Did I mention that hate thing? After the final betrayal I thought there was no way in hell this family would ever be repaired.

I think sometimes the Lord lets it become irreparable before He steps in. Then there is no doubt a miracle has occurred.

I agreed to meet Dave in a public place to talk. It was the craziest thing. It was as if it were business meeting and we were negotiating the terms of a contract. No feeling on my part, not for Dave anyway. I was only wanting to do the Lord's will. And how could putting our family back together NOT be the Lord's will. I mean it's not as if i were getting back together with a drug addict, or an alcoholic, or an abuser. I was very practical about the whole thing. No romance here, I just came with my list of "demands" that he had to agree to. Of course he agreed to anything I asked of him, he seemed pretty desperate to make things right. So the " deal" was made. Every single person I knew, family or friend, thought I was nuts. And my poor now ex ex fiancé. I gave him his own roller coaster ride. He was done, had things not worked out again I would not be getting any comfort from him. I have since learned that there is only one place to ALWAYS find comfort, and that is in my Lord.

Love and Marriage 3

Where's the drama? I can hear you asking. Believe me, there was plenty. I cried so much I thought I would run out of tears. Funny how you never do. In the first two months of our separation I lost 50 lbs. No kidding. Near as I can remember, I just stopped eating. I made sure the kids were fed and just sort of forgot about myself. I don't remember being conscious of it, I just recall people suddenly commenting on my weight loss. Oh, you look GREAT! Of course they had no idea of the tortured feelings inside. It was weird, like if everyone was complimenting you on your weight loss caused by cancer.
Anyway, there was lots of drama, things we shouldn't have said, things we shouldn't have done. But there is couple of reasons I am not sharing those details. I am choosing my words very carefully because:

My children can read.

The details would edify no one, it would be like gossip.

I don't want to embarrass anyone, including (especially) myself.

So let's continue. After 2 years of separation and about a year of divorce I was engaged to a very nice man. A fireman in fact, I guess I have a thing for civil servants. I can't remember exact timing, but I think about 3 or 4 months later Dave came to me and said he wanted his family back.

Oh

Really?

OK, this sort of throws a wrench in things. Really Lord? That's what I was thinking. I fought hard for my family for two years. I told Dave repeatedly, once you divorce me, that's it. And NOW he wants to come back? I told Dave I would think and pray about it. I told my fiancé, he said he of course wanted me to say no, but he would be patient with me and respect my decision.
After not too much agonizing I felt obligated to my kids to at least try to put my family back together. I felt no great burning passion for Dave, but I did feel that I had to try. So I broke up with my fiancé, he was surprisingly understanding and it was a very calm conversation. Daddy came home that night after work and saw me hugging ex fiancé goodbye. Daddy freaked out, ran upstairs to kiss the boys, then left, saying he was not coming back.
OK, now I hated daddy. I had finally gotten off of the emotional roller coaster of the separation, then let him back in my heart and I get this? More pain and drama?
I WAS PEEVED!

Love and Marriage 2

So I prayed. My most persistent prayer was asking the Lord to give me the words that Dave needed to hear so our family could be repaired. I prayed that ALL the time. I remember vividly just repeating, give me the words, speak through me, over and over. I think I actually allowed it to happen a couple of time because Dave will still bring up things I said then, and how they affected him.
I had made it clear to him that I did not want a divorce. If that's what he wanted he could take whatever steps necessary to make it happen, but I was not going to file. He could not "decide" what to do, come home or move on. Permanent limbo was not an option, and as the weeks turned into months and the months to years he received a lot of pressure to make up his mind. Pressure from me, so I could move on. And pressure from his friends and family.
Finally he decided divorce. I insisted on sole custody, and promised no interference or restrictions for visitation. He didn't fight that at all, and he had the boys often. They were only 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 when it all started. So about 2 years after we first separated we were divorced. I had told Dave over and over, that I wanted my family back together, but once he divorced me, that was it. I would finally move on.
Those years of single parenthood were hard, very hard. I remember being so excited I got a raise to $7.50 an hour. How we ate, much less paid rent, I'll never know. I did receive some state help with day care costs I think (it was so long ago, seems like a lifetime!), but that's all. I have the utmost respect and empathy for single parents. It is such a huge burden, it's hard to be a parent when there is two of you! And child support came every two weeks automatically from his check. He was and still is an excellent father. I never had to ask more than once for any kind of help and he was always there for his visitation, he never ditched his responsibility to them.
We adjusted to our new situation and we moved on. I met a very nice man who also had two small boys and we became very close. He met my family, we vacationed together. A year or so after the divorce the new man asked me to marry him, and I said yes.

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Love and Marriage 1

I've had a request to share our unique story of love and marriage. I'm not sure how long it will take or how much I want to share, so this is part one.
Dave and I met while I was going to college at NAU. He was born and raised in Flagstaff and I grew up mostly in Northern California. It was my first year at NAU but my second year of college. I only stayed for one semester and found out I was pregnant right after I got back to CA. I was 19 and not interested in a shotgun wedding. Dave and I stayed in touch by phone and letters and cards. I can't remember if he came to visit while I was pregnant, but he came when Tom was born to see his baby boy. I still remember the look on his face the first time he held him. It was as if he was holding a fragile china doll he just knew he was going to crush.
We had grown close over the months of our long distance relationship, and continued to do so. In May of 1986 he drove to CA and brought Thomas and I back to AZ. Five months after that we were married in Flagstaff, next to a trailer home with a bathtub full of beer. It was a nice inexpensive ceremony with family and friends. We were young and poor after all. Two years later we welcomed a baby brother for Tom. Davis came four days after Christmas, best gift ever. In October of 1988 Dave got the job with the Sedona Police Department. 21 1/2 years he had that job and we never could afford to live in Sedona.
About six months after he started that job I believe Dave just woke up one day feeling overwhelmed with his life, his responsibilities. Within days we were separated. I was in shock, never in my wildest dreams thinking I'd ever be divorced. Had I ever imagined this scenario, I figured I'd be drowning in sorrow, oh woe is me, the whole bit. But it actually brought me straight back to the Lord. As a young adult, mother and wife we had never found a church. I have been born again since I was twelve, but drifted from the church after high school. Dave had been raised a catholic, but had no burning desire to attend mass. I had immediately cried out to the Lord, in true anguish. I loved my husband and my little family and had no idea what to do next. So I prayed.